so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
