why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I want a musical about memes.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
