apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
