I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
