I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
