6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
