Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Less talking, more tequila
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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