he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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