someone threw a dead crab at me
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
