Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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