She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
