sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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