Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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