I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
