Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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