He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
