i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
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He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
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If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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