these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
