He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
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He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
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One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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