Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
