This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
