I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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