I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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