I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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