Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
