True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Sorry about my life...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
