You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm at about main and main street
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
