Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
