I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
