Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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