No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
