Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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