I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
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You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
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Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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