Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
