Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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