would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
