i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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