Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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