He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
