I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
