i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
