I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize
