god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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