too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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