When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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