Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
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I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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