I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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