Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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