I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
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