theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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