My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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