It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
