Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
