just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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