We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The convent might be a nice break from real life
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
