She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
